As News Happens

BREAKING NEWS
News Story Broken

9:15am – 5 August 2010

Tipped off by online news provider newnewsfaster.com, more than a hundred police officers converged on a suburban property in the city’s west shortly after 8:30am this morning. On arrival at the scene officers questioned several journalists who had been camped outside the house for nearly an hour, many on their third flat white.

On condition of anonymity, one police officer confessed that authorities were yet to determine who the suspect is, or what crime may have been committed.

Anyone near the area is asked to contact newnewsfaster.com who will pass information on to police.

More to come…

BREAKING NEWS
News Story In Progress

Updated 9:23am – 5 August 2010

Police remain in attendance at a dramatic scene unfolding in the city’s west. The small weather-board house in the normally quiet Family Lane has become the focus of the biggest story of the hour. House-owner and occupant John Pickle (pictured left with his pet rabbit) was on his way to work when the story broke.

“I was heading for the bus stop when I was stopped by ten or twenty journalists with cameras and microphones,” said Mr Pickle. “I answered some questions and missed my bus.”

Police have taken the bearded John Pickle in for additional questioning. Nothing is yet known about Mr Pickle at this stage as Wikipedia searches have proven inconclusive.

Police are expected to give a press conference at 9:30.

More to come…

BREAKING NEWS
News Story Confirmed

Updated 9:38am – 5 August 2010

The scene at Family Lane in the city’s west has intensified with much of the world’s media congregating on the lawns of the normally calm suburban street.

Moments ago Chief of Police Manga Lionheart gave a press conference officially confirming that a news story was in progress.

“As this is an ongoing investigation I am limited in what I can say. However, I can now confirm that this is a news story – a significant, and very real, news story,” the Police Chief said. “I’ve been informed that all networks and major publications are represented here today either by journalistic staff or contractors. The AAP is also present, as are members of the public with camera phones.”

But Chief Lionheart remained quietly optimistic and urged calm.

“I am quietly optimistic and urge calm,” Chief Lionheart said.

More to come…

BREAKING NEWS
Media Under Fire from Nazis

10:02am – 5 August 2010

A left-wing lobby group with ties to al-Qaeda, Hitler Youth, recent oil disasters, the republican movement, and clubbing baby seals has claimed the media has gone too far with a recent news story broken by newnewsfaster.com. The group, known as the Ramsgate Under 13 Cricket Club, has claimed the story was a media beat-up, without substance, and forged a new low in journalism. The group accused newnewsfaster.com of “inventing something out of nothing” which newnewsfaster.com CEO, Malcolm Elizabeth Blackshirt, both agreed with and denied.

17 year old Mr Blackshirt responded angrily to vitriolic questioning at a press-conference saying, “with, like, the 24 hour news cycle and the public demand for, like,  instant news before-it-happens, no privacy, defamation legislation, dramatic music, alleged dramatisation, Lindsay Lohan, black-and-white, mysterious creature, on the run, vox-pop tarts, celebrity hair extension, we don’t always get things a hundred percent right. And when we don’t get things a hundred percent right we figure we may as well get them a hundred percent wrong. Our mantra was, is, and forever will be, ‘one hundred percent journalistic journalism’. That and ‘reach for the stars’.”

Despite being recorded on multiple recording devices, Mr Blackshirt denied having made this statement claiming that he was in bed with his porter at the time.

John Pickle remains in police custody for his role in the story.

More to come…

www.fishthink.com.au

Gotta Write a Story: an unauthorised autobiography

Gotta write a story, gotta write a story.  How about this, ‘A man and his dog…’ stupid.  I know, ‘A dog and his man’ yeah, this is better, ‘a dog and his man fought hard to establish themselves in the eyes of his superiors…’ this is going somewhere.  ‘His superiors were giant bees with-’ no, this is going nowhere.  Again.

‘The unshaven man watched as the hour hand crept towards eleven-’ since when do clock hands creep, I mean the hand is actually on the clock face, there’s no way the clock’s not going to notice.  This will never get published.  Try… ‘Time edged cautiously towards eleven pm.  Each tick of the grandfather clock a reminder of time’s sin. Captain Warner burst into his living-room to discover a dog and his man-’ again with the dog and his- this is starting to hurt.  Let’s try something bold…

‘”WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!  WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!” yelled the pilot as the plane hurtled violently towards the water.’  I like this, it’s so powerful(1).  ‘Lovers held each other as the fuselage shuddered and shook with the brutal force of the downward thrust.’  This is getting serious!  ‘The ground beneath them grew closer as strangers prayed with each other and flight attendants scrambled for breathing apparatus.  The plane hit the ground with a deafening boom. Everyone was dead.’  See, I lost it there.  I’m starting to get annoyed here, very climactic, then no climax.  Stupid, stupid, stupid(2).  Again.  ‘The ground beneath them grew closer while the passengers clung helplessly to consciousness itself.  The co-pilot slapped the pilot hard across the face, “Get a hold of yourself, Crawford!  Six thousand hours in the air and look at you!”  The co-pilot pulled hard on the shaft- Downward thrust and shaft pulling. My mother’s going to read this!  New genre… non-fiction.

‘The Referencing Technique (RT) most commonly used when highlighting inferior forms of carpet worms is Hypocapture, a technique first simulated within the case study 3481 Delta.  The main focus of RT is-’ See, who’s going to read this?  I’m falling asleep writing it.  Definitely fiction – or how about based on a true story – mix it up a little.

‘Queen Victoria was walking down Appleby Lane when she was stopped by her husband Albert.  “Where did you leave the pints, Vic?” he asked, assuming an overwhelmingly regal indifference to the paupers in his periphery.’  Now, this could be considered slanderous, no-one likes slander… except the litigious.  I’m stuck, I really should consult my footnotes(3).  You must have some ideas(4).  Who’s Steve?(5) Trevor’s not- Oh doesn’t matter.  You’re as good as useless(6).

Last chance. Deadline’s looming.  I could write a story about someone who can’t write a story. Maybe that could work!(7)

____________________________

1 No it isn’t.
2 Stupid.
3 I don’t know what you should write.
4 Nope… no ideas… have you thought about asking Steve?
5 No idea, made him up. Convincing name though. I deliberately didn’t go for some crazy name like Harlequin or Trevor.
6 I didn’t ask to be involved.
7 The End(8).
8 Finally.

www.fishthink.com.au
Editing and Copywriting

A Brief History of Filosofy

Sharpening Occam’s Razor

You should by now be familiar with the philosophy of Occam’s razor, the theory that states all things considered, the simplest explanation is probably the right one.

However, what most people aren’t familiar with is that Trevor Occam, former real estate mogul to the stars, often cut himself shaving with his now famous  razor.  This was not due to what most people believed to be carelessness (the simplest explanation), but rather a series of strange events which led to the opening of a nebular wormhole linking our universe with three parallel universes eventually absorbing Occam’s soul and  Albania’s entire supply of carob.  It is believed that Trevor Occam actually invented his razor theory in an effort to hide his embarrassing shaving mishaps and accidental threats to existence.

Needless to say he was also a vocal opponent to all brands of aftershave.

Relative Theorising

The theory of relativity was Einstein’s ode to his relatives, focusing in particular on his immediate family. Einstein’s genius is exemplified by his theory’s clever combination of explaining how his brother Norman Einstein could walk through a crowded hotel gathering unnoticed, while simultaneously positing that space and time can bend like a wobble board.

In 1910 when Albert attempted to tell his Uncle Stan about how light can bend around an object, how space is elastic and how two O’clock can be twelve o’clock if you squint, Uncle Stan quickly slapped him around the head and neck, and aggressively asked for egg salad.  Einstein’s mother and father were largely indifferent to Albert’s theories, whereas his cousin Helen was often found blowing her nose in Connecticut.

Albert’s Uncle Stan went on to an illustrious career as metaphysics teacher until he was caught in bed with one of his pupil’s imaginary friends. He now screams obscenities at strangers from the steps of the public library at the ripe old age of 140.

www.fishthink.com.au