Gotta write a story, gotta write a story. How about this, ‘A man and his dog…’ stupid. I know, ‘A dog and his man’ yeah, this is better, ‘a dog and his man fought hard to establish themselves in the eyes of his superiors…’ this is going somewhere. ‘His superiors were giant bees with-’ no, this is going nowhere. Again.
‘The unshaven man watched as the hour hand crept towards eleven-’ since when do clock hands creep, I mean the hand is actually on the clock face, there’s no way the clock’s not going to notice. This will never get published. Try… ‘Time edged cautiously towards eleven pm. Each tick of the grandfather clock a reminder of time’s sin. Captain Warner burst into his living-room to discover a dog and his man-’ again with the dog and his- this is starting to hurt. Let’s try something bold…
‘”WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE! WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!” yelled the pilot as the plane hurtled violently towards the water.’ I like this, it’s so powerful(1). ‘Lovers held each other as the fuselage shuddered and shook with the brutal force of the downward thrust.’ This is getting serious! ‘The ground beneath them grew closer as strangers prayed with each other and flight attendants scrambled for breathing apparatus. The plane hit the ground with a deafening boom. Everyone was dead.’ See, I lost it there. I’m starting to get annoyed here, very climactic, then no climax. Stupid, stupid, stupid(2). Again. ‘The ground beneath them grew closer while the passengers clung helplessly to consciousness itself. The co-pilot slapped the pilot hard across the face, “Get a hold of yourself, Crawford! Six thousand hours in the air and look at you!” The co-pilot pulled hard on the shaft- Downward thrust and shaft pulling. My mother’s going to read this! New genre… non-fiction.
‘The Referencing Technique (RT) most commonly used when highlighting inferior forms of carpet worms is Hypocapture, a technique first simulated within the case study 3481 Delta. The main focus of RT is-’ See, who’s going to read this? I’m falling asleep writing it. Definitely fiction – or how about based on a true story – mix it up a little.
‘Queen Victoria was walking down Appleby Lane when she was stopped by her husband Albert. “Where did you leave the pints, Vic?” he asked, assuming an overwhelmingly regal indifference to the paupers in his periphery.’ Now, this could be considered slanderous, no-one likes slander… except the litigious. I’m stuck, I really should consult my footnotes(3). You must have some ideas(4). Who’s Steve?(5) Trevor’s not- Oh doesn’t matter. You’re as good as useless(6).
Last chance. Deadline’s looming. I could write a story about someone who can’t write a story. Maybe that could work!(7)
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1 No it isn’t.
2 Stupid.
3 I don’t know what you should write.
4 Nope… no ideas… have you thought about asking Steve?
5 No idea, made him up. Convincing name though. I deliberately didn’t go for some crazy name like Harlequin or Trevor.
6 I didn’t ask to be involved.
7 The End(8).
8 Finally.
